Do you want the pain to be over? Do you want more in your life? Do you just want your life to be different? When you come through the worst life has to offer this feeling comes over you that you want and need to do something. You need it now, you need it to be important. You need it to change your life for the better.
Lately I’ve been pondering what do I want my life to be. I’m tired of living in the widow mentality. I’m tired of feeling like I’ll never be able to retire. I’m tired of my life. Do you know the feeling? At 62 my life is very different than what I expected it to be. Jack & I would grow old together. We’d retire so he could travel and live the photographer’s life and I’d be the one standing beside him making sure whatever he wanted to experience happened. That was my dream.
All that ended when we lost everything and then he died.
This week I’m on a vacation from work and my plans were changed due to unforeseen circumstances. I have been stressing thinking I needed to “do” something so this time would seem like a real vacation. I should go somewhere, do something. Make it more than just days I’m not at work. I even thought about going back to work and saving the time off.
Then it hit me… the life changing revelation that I have been waiting for. It just didn’t come in the form I expected. Yes, I’d give anything for Jack to still be alive but I can’t change that. All I can change is my now. So when the “aha” moment hit me this is what it revealed:
I don’t have to “do” anything. My life can progress in its own good time.
I like my home, my job and the environment I live in. I don’t have to change anything.
I enjoy being alone. I have the freedom to enjoy the moments in any way I choose.
Others may see my lack of actively pursuing more to be sad or unfortunately. That’s a reflection of what is important to them and has nothing to do with me.
Instead of forcing myself to “do” something I’m choosing to allow myself to be open to whatever speaks to me. Most of all I’m choosing to allow myself to be happy organically. And that just feels right for me.
Are you trying to force your life to be something different? What if you stopped? Just something to ponder… especially when you’ve been through the worst life has to offer.
With love, Cheryl
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