When you seem to be continually beaten down in this life you face a dilemma. What to do about it? Do you plunge yourself deeper into the abyss of sadness and grief or do you take a leap of faith, moving forward with hope that today and tomorrow will be better?
I’ve lived on the extremes of the pendulum just like so many others. Perhaps the good days were fabulous but they were not long lived. After awhile even in the good times I wait for the hammer to fall and hit me on the head, again. In some ways I believed my life was doomed to be unhappy and unfilled.
At the lowest points (yes there were many) it was easy to stay down. I didn’t have the energy to get back up. I didn’t want to be bothered to make the day or my life better because after all I’d just fall again. Hopelessness became the norm… and also my fear.
When my husband was diagnosed first with leukemia and then cancer I did my best to keep him in a positive place. Attitude is everything when you’re dealing with health issues. For me though I was living my fear and his death was the final proof that my life would never be happy.
It would be easy to sink deeper into my sorrow. And some days I do.
There is a philosophy about life and death that says we choose to come to this physical life to have experiences. When we accomplish what we were seeking we move back into spirit. This is a belief I have and honestly it is the reason I don’t allow myself to stay in my sorrow for long. As brutally hard as it is to be in this life without Jack I believe I am supposed to have this experience. Why? I have no idea. However I trust that my life has purpose beyond what died with him. Because I believe that to be true I also know that what I choose next, the “leap” of faith, is what I am meant to experience.
Up until Jack died I lived a very controlled life. I believed I had control of what happened to me and to him. Of course cancer teaches us otherwise. I had no control over his health and I couldn’t save him.
Since he has died my need to control died too. What has come alive though is my sense of wanting to have new adventures. And maybe that contrast is what I’ve come here to experience.
My choice is to seek out what is new… to move forward into the unknown with faith that whatever I encounter is another reason I wanted to come into this life. And therein lies not only hope for a happy and fulfilled life but also joy in every step.
And this all feels better than my sorrow.