Reflections – April 2016

 As the night is beginning to cool down I’m sitting on my front porch and enjoying a slight breeze. A three quarter moon is directly above me and it’s far from dark.  I’ve discovered the peace of this place and it’s become my sanctuary where I sit and think about my life.

So much has happened in these last five years and most of it has been painful to say the least and heartbreaking at best.  Then again how could I feel differently about my husband’s death?  Yet as I sit here missing him I am grateful for all of the wonderful times we had in our 36 years.  Yes, I’d give anything to have him back but that’s not a choice I have.

I still am not ready to take off my wedding ring. Every once in awhile I think perhaps I should and then remind myself that there are no rules of how my grief unfolds.  Perhaps it would be different if I wanted to move on.  But I don’t have to do that either.

My life has gone on out of necessity not by choice.  I wished the world would have stopped when Jack died but it didn’t. It was his time, not mine.  I have more to do I guess so I’ll have to go about the business of figuring that all out, in my own good time.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to live, to die, to grief, to celebrate, to do just about anything the “right” way.  There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to how we choose to live our lives.  There is what makes sense to us at any given moment.  Maybe a year from now we’ll see it differently but for now, honestly, the fact that we are willing to make any choice is a miracle all by itself.  We’ve been through hell and we’ve lived to tell about it.

Even more we’ve lived to show others that there is a life beyond their death, beyond the divorce, beyond the financial crash.  There is life but we see it differently.  And we’re suppose to.

I see my life not for my loss, even though I feel it deeply.  I see my life for what I’ve experienced.  I’ve been blessed with the love of a wonderful man.  I am blessed that I was beside him through his cancer journey.  I am blessed because I was laying beside him when he took his last breath.  I am blessed because this whole experience has given me a very different appreciation for how precious life is.  And I had none of that, before.

We can’t avoid the death of the life we had.  We can’t hide from it or pretend it doesn’t exist.  We can however choose to be grateful… even if it takes months or years on the other side of it to get to that place.  The other side of our grief is where the healing begins.

With love, Cheryl

 

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