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What My Fear Taught Me

I lived much of my life in fear.  Fear that I wouldn’t be able to pay the bills.  Fear that I’d be homeless.  Fear that Jack would die.  The entire time I was in this state of fear my life was far from happy.  Miserable might be the best word for it but of course I did my best to hide it. We put on a happy face, smile though our hearts are breaking and show others we are strong even though inside we’re not.  We hide what is real in our life for… fear… we’ll be seen as weak and then something else will happen to use because we are. What I’ve learned from my fear isn’t that if I did something more or differently that I would be happy, more secure or stronger.  Fear taught me how to live a miserable life. Seriously.  Everything I thought I could save or fix with my fear was destroyed.  Fear taught me how to live a unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unworthy life. Fear never prevented what I feared from happening. It just kept me tied up in a mess of stress.  And there was no good quality of life in that. Yet here I am.  I didn’t experience all my fears, except for my husband dying, and I am not better off because I allowed my fears to…