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Forcing or Allowing

Do you want the pain to be over?  Do you want more in your life?  Do you just want your life to be different?  When you come through the worst life has to offer this feeling comes over you that you want and need to do something.  You need it now, you need it to be important.  You need it to change your life for the better. Lately I’ve been pondering what do I want my life to be.  I’m tired of living in the widow mentality.  I’m tired of feeling like I’ll never be able to retire.  I’m tired of my life.  Do you know the feeling? At 62 my life is very different than what I expected it to be.  Jack & I would grow old together.  We’d retire so he could travel and live the photographer’s life and I’d be the one standing beside him making sure whatever he wanted to experience happened.  That was my dream. All that ended when we lost everything and then he died. This week I’m on a vacation from work and my plans were changed due to unforeseen circumstances.  I have been stressing thinking I needed to “do” something so this time would seem like a real vacation.  I should go somewhere, do something.  Make it more than just days I’m not at work. I even…