Reflections – December 2017

Another year has come and gone and I don’t know how that happened.  But then maybe this year more than any other in the last three I haven’t been living on autopilot.

In looking back over this year I’ve moved beyond my grief.  That doesn’t mean I don’t still mourn the loss of Jack. It means that in my moments of solitude I’m not only thinking of him.  There has been no greater love or greater loss in my life.  When someone expresses their condolences though I’m no longer brought to tears.  There is still the pain but I can say without hesitation and without a doubt that he lived the life he came here to experience and it was his time to move on.

My mother died this year too.  She was the last of my immediately family and I have lived through my fear of being alone.  Without her to care for it forced me to look at my life and to decide if loneliness was going to be my way of life or if I could be comfortable in my solitude.  Some that said they would be here for me weren’t and I came to realize that I would rather be alone than to feel like an obligation to them.  My solitude became my strength.

I took a bold step for me and traveled solo to Ireland this fall.  Jack & I had traveled some but I never really cared to venture outside of the country. Jack would have gone in a heartbeat but wouldn’t go without me.  In my grief I thought I held him back and maybe I did.  Taking this trip was to prove to myself that I could do more than I’d allowed myself to do all those years we were together.   And so I did.  The funny thing about it though is I realized that I don’t want to travel. I like my little world and I’m Ok with staying in it.

As I look back in this last month of 2017 it’s been a year of learning who I am and what is important to me.  I’m grateful for the years with Jack and the lasting impression he has on my life.  I am blessed with very dear friends who make me laugh and understand when I cry.  I’m still here and my life goes on without the love of my life.  And I’m at peace with that.



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