When is surviving the worst life has to offer a a bitter pill that you are swallowing every day? Do you get up and put one foot in front of the other yet in your heart you don’t care if you move at all? Are you not giving up because of you kids, a parent, your pets?
We go through massive life changing challenges and we live to see another day but in reality we’re not living. We’re existing. And sometimes that’s as good at it gets. There were many days after my husband died that I just wanted the pain to end. I remembered though that I had an elderly mother to care. Then she died. I moved on to making my life about caring for my pets. I wouldn’t want to leave them to someone else to care for. They are my responsibility and I want them to be safe. At one point I remember thinking that I wanted my life to be over but not until my pets had all passed.
It was at that moment I realized I was living to die.
When Jack was going through his cancer treatment I use to joke that I’d gained every pound he lost. Of course he couldn’t afford to lose them and I sure didn’t need to gain them. After he passed I ate my way through every day of pain. At some point along the way I realized my habits were a subtle way of killing myself. Even that “aha” moment didn’t change my behavior. We do the best we can until something speaks to our soul and our soul decides to listen.
For me that came in a moment of silence in my life. It took 2 1/2 years after Jack passed for me to realize I didn’t want my life to end because his did. I know that there is a reason that I’m still here and he’s gone… even though I don’t know why. Now though I finally understood that I had other choices to make.
Was I going to continue to just get by in life or was I going to explore all that this life has to offer?
Was I going to treat my body as a vital tool to maximize my new drive to experience more in life?
Was I going to get up off of my chair and walk out into the world, alone, and enjoy the newness of the opportunity?
Those questions are far more hopeful and inspiring to me than figuring out a way to stay alive until after my cats die.
When we come through the worst life has to offer there is not this switch that you can flip and everything will miraculously be good again. It takes time, patience and commitment to be kind to yourself.
So I ask you this. Are you there yet? If you are then stand up for your happiness and say “I am ready and excited to live this life to the fullest.” If you’re not that’s ok… you’re not there yet. For you I ask that you remember that it will come in the time it needs to.
It is your life to live by choice… when you are ready to make those choices.
With love, Cheryl