Lucky One

In these last two years that I’ve been a widow how I look at life has changed substantially.  I’m grateful for what Jack & I had.  I would have given anything to take away his pain and suffering.  There were more times than not that I wished that it was me that had cancer not him.  But that’s not what was meant to happen to us.

In retrospect and someone who has survived a loved one’s death will understand this… Jack was the lucky one.  Yes, his life ended.  And yes, I’d still give anything to have him here with me again.  He however is in a better place where there is no pain, no sorrow, no suffering.  I imagine him now exploring the places he never photographed and seeing the vividness of life from an amazing perspective.

No amount of time will erase the loss of him from my physical life.  While those who have gone through this before me tell me that the edges of my grief will soften I realize that he is the lucky one.  His suffering is over. Mine without him continues.

Now however I have different choices to make because my suffering is optional.  I do allow myself to feel the pain at any moment and to give into my loss because even to this day it’s heartbreaking.  What I know though is I am meant to have this experience and for whatever the reason is I’m going to be OK with it.

The best I can do it turn to my gratitude.

I am grateful that he is free.
I am grateful that I was blessed to have him my life and forever in my soul.
I am grateful that I allow myself to be OK with the pain and not let my life be a living hell.

And for me it’s no longer a matter of my luck but of my choice.

With love, Cheryl