Our lives are changed irrevocably many times over and mine changed again with the death of my mother this week. I knew this day would come and I knew that I would truly be alone. What I didn’t realize is how lost I’d be when she died.
I swear I must have been a pampered princess in my last life because this life has been about taking care of others. Now that I’m alone, without someone to look after, I wonder what I do now. It’s a relief not to worry about her but of course I’d rather worry and have her here. That choice however was never mine to make.
As I sit here reflecting on my life and this journey to a solitary life I understand that what comes next is totally up to me. I’ve never really done anything frivolous or irresponsible. I’ve never taken a risk so great that my life has been changed. I never really have done anything that I didn’t think through. But maybe I should.
Or maybe right now what I need most is to just be… to do nothing and allow myself to feel the reality of this change and the accumulation of all the changes of these last few years. My body is tired and my soul exhausted. I need to rest. But then I may not want to get up again.
I am alone. And yet as I feel the deafening weight of that statement I know I will be better because this is an experience I came here to have. I don’t know why but I trust that my pain has purpose and I will honor it.