Too Much Pain

Waves of grief overtake me as I’m sitting by my mother’s side.  She is dying.

Josh Groban is singing “To Where You Are” in the background and I break down.  My tears flow because I am feeling the weight of Jack’s death nearly 2 years ago.  What comes to mind is all the loss… all my pain and at this moment it’s too much.

Too much pain.  And as those words enter my head the next thoughts that come to me are “Who is to say this is too much pain?”  What if this pain is what I need to heal?  What if all of these losses are the journey I came to this life to experience?  What if?

In a breath I ask myself why would I choose to endure such pain? And in the next moment it occurs to me that this pain could only exist because of the greatness of the love I’ve had in this lifetime.

I understand intellectually death is just another part of life and philosophically that death is the journey of the soul home.  For those of us left to carry on we are changed as much by the life as by the death of those we loved so deeply.

Yes the pain is overwhelming for more than I can bare at this moment.  In my soul though I know I am a better person because of my journey though my pain.  It gives me compassion for others… and for myself.


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