Too Much Pain

Waves of grief overtake me as I’m sitting by my mother’s side.  She is dying.

Josh Groban is singing “To Where You Are” in the background and I break down.  My tears flow because I am feeling the weight of Jack’s death nearly 2 years ago.  What comes to mind is all the loss… all my pain and at this moment it’s too much.

Too much pain.  And as those words enter my head the next thoughts that come to me are “Who is to say this is too much pain?”  What if this pain is what I need to heal?  What if all of these losses are the journey I came to this life to experience?  What if?

In a breath I ask myself why would I choose to endure such pain? And in the next moment it occurs to me that this pain could only exist because of the greatness of the love I’ve had in this lifetime.

I understand intellectually death is just another part of life and philosophically that death is the journey of the soul home.  For those of us left to carry on we are changed as much by the life as by the death of those we loved so deeply.

Yes the pain is overwhelming for more than I can bare at this moment.  In my soul though I know I am a better person because of my journey though my pain.  It gives me compassion for others… and for myself.


4 thoughts on “Too Much Pain

  1. This is a beautiful perspective and much appreciated. Grief is complicated at best and for me, has been like swimming in seaweed. Every time I think I might break up to the surface and take a deep breath, it’s easy to get tangled up again and pulled under the waves. I love the reminder about great pain being the other side of great love.

  2. I am sorry for the pain of loss that you are feeling, and know it recently and well. I lost my mom on Jan.3, and while the pain was almost beyond my endurance as I sat next to her and held her hand, since that day, I have been at peace.

    I was the child who began to fear this loss at the age of 7. In Mom’s last hours, I gave her everything I had. I tried to fill her with my love by hugging her, holding her hand, telling her I loved her, telling her that I knew how much she loved me, and that when it was time, it was OK to go. I believed she could hear me and feel my loving energy. My chest hurt. My body hurt. I didn’t believe I would live through the loss, and wondered how I would cope once I returned to my own home in another state.

    Yet that day, shortly after she walked on, I asked for her help, told her I needed her, asked her not to leave, and she has been with me since. She has come through to me with requests. She told me that one sister- the named guardian- was not doing well and needed more support. When I called that sister, she was indeed in a lot of pain, and questioning everything she had done. Mom has given me her energy, and I have felt surrounded by love at all times. It is as though she has come through with all the unconditional love she had to give while physically here, and I feel it; my inner child feels it, and my adult woman feels it. Mom has also asked for forgiveness.

    I am not religious. I am non-dogmatic, but I am spiritual. I believe in spirit, the energy of spirit, and hers is with me more now than it was- or than I felt- when her physical body lived. Her energy lives, and I believe that my being open to it has allowed it to enter my body and align with my spirit. My sisters and I share our stories frequently; Mom is coming through to us all in the ways each of us would recognize.

    I share this in hopes that it comforts, maybe help you to trust that when reach for her in spirit, she will be right there waiting. All you have to do is ask her to be there… I truly hopes this gives you something to hold onto through the transition of letting go of the physical. I send you love, light, healing, and hugs. Namaste.

    In spirit,

    1. Kris,
      Thank you for taking the time to write. We are blessed to have had the time with our mom as their days grew small. My mom died last night and I was grateful to be there are she took her last breath. Like you I am a very spiritual person and I have no doubt that all of my love ones who have passed on are always with me. Thank you for your kindness and blessings. With love, C

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