Adding Up The Losses

This week has been understandably difficult. My mom who has been in hospice is now in what they call the active dying phase.  The Saturday before though I had an unusual call from the place she lives saying that Mom wanted to talk to me on the telephone.  She hadn’t been able to really speak in sentences for a few weeks so I was thrilled when I talked to her and jumped in the car to go see her.  It was a day that we laughed and talked.  It was a day she was able to actually speak to other family and friends on the phone.  When she grew tired we knew she would need to sleep for maybe a couple of days.  She never really woke up again. A last hurrah if there ever was one and what a very special day for me.  But it was the last one I’ll ever have with her.

As I’ve sat here in this room with her I’ve thought back over these last few years and started adding  up my losses.  Jack died less then 2 years ago, my dog CJ just before Jack and my Dad in 2010. In between Jack’s sisters and brother died too.  Then I remembered that my favorite Uncle Son died just before my Dad.   The waves of sorrow that crashed over me were probably the worst since Jack died and I found myself struggling with the reality of it all.

I want my Mom to be with my Dad again.  I want her to be at peace.  I want her vision to be restore and her heart full again.  And I know with those wishes I will be alone, again.

We come into this life to have an experience.  While Mom’s is ending mine continues.  I’m not done.  There have been many times these last few years that I panicked over being alone and yet each time I realized being alone wasn’t my greatest fear.  My greatest fear is to forget.  To forget the love, to forget the sound of Jack’s voice.  To forget what it was like to be so in love that the stars aligned and all was right in the world.

I don’t know what I will do when I am alone.  I don’t know what will become of me or how my life will unfold going forward.  I don’t know.  They only thing that I can do is trust.  Trust that all will be as it needs to be.  Trust that my purpose here will be realized.  Trust and believe.

Believe that my life still has purpose.  Believe that even in death there is life.  Believe that I will be happy again.  And in order to believe I must have faith.

“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed… Nothing will be impossible for you.”

With love, Cheryl

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