Adding Up The Losses

This week has been understandably difficult. My mom who has been in hospice is now in what they call the active dying phase.  The Saturday before though I had an unusual call from the place she lives saying that Mom wanted to talk to me on the telephone.  She hadn’t been able to really speak in sentences for a few weeks so I was thrilled when I talked to her and jumped in the car to go see her.  It was a day that we laughed and talked.  It was a day she was able to actually speak to other family and friends on the phone.  When she grew tired we knew she would need to sleep for maybe a couple of days.  She never really woke up again. A last hurrah if there ever was one and what a very special day for me.  But it was the last one I’ll ever have with her.

As I’ve sat here in this room with her I’ve thought back over these last few years and started adding  up my losses.  Jack died less then 2 years ago, my dog CJ just before Jack and my Dad in 2010. In between Jack’s sisters and brother died too.  Then I remembered that my favorite Uncle Son died just before my Dad.   The waves of sorrow that crashed over me were probably the worst since Jack died and I found myself struggling with the reality of it all.

I want my Mom to be with my Dad again.  I want her to be at peace.  I want her vision to be restore and her heart full again.  And I know with those wishes I will be alone, again.

We come into this life to have an experience.  While Mom’s is ending mine continues.  I’m not done.  There have been many times these last few years that I panicked over being alone and yet each time I realized being alone wasn’t my greatest fear.  My greatest fear is to forget.  To forget the love, to forget the sound of Jack’s voice.  To forget what it was like to be so in love that the stars aligned and all was right in the world.

I don’t know what I will do when I am alone.  I don’t know what will become of me or how my life will unfold going forward.  I don’t know.  They only thing that I can do is trust.  Trust that all will be as it needs to be.  Trust that my purpose here will be realized.  Trust and believe.

Believe that my life still has purpose.  Believe that even in death there is life.  Believe that I will be happy again.  And in order to believe I must have faith.

“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed… Nothing will be impossible for you.”

With love, Cheryl

6 thoughts on “Adding Up The Losses

  1. Thank you Cheryl for sharing about your mom. May you both find peace in your life journey. I also want to thank you because I have been down the same road with my mom, three years ago. She too had one day that she “became” her old self, that was a very unexpected gift for mom and myself. Since mom passed I have become a recluse. I am not proud of this. Hopefully in reading things from your website and your blog, I will find a door or window open so that I can find my way back. I am 67 and live in New Hampshire. As the days, hours, minutes pass by, I hope you will be able to feel the warmth, compassion and strength to help guide you into the next chapter. Thank you for being there for me as I am thinking that perhaps I was meant to “find” you on Facebook last night. Blessings to you.

    1. Susan, Thank you for your kindness and for reaching out to me with your journey. I understand withdrawing… it’s a natural tendency for me too. We do it because we need the time ourselves to heal and until we do we can’t do more. Be proud that you know enough to give yourself what you need. I never learned that lesson and it has caused me to be strung out and worn out for many years. Only now that I am faced with truly being alone do I get it. Much love & healing energy to you Susan! XO, Cheryl

  2. Dear Cheryl, just wanted to send you love and you’re right you’re never alone, it was my biggest fear at the time of my divorce, at the time of my next partner’s passing, I blocked out a lot of memories after his death not really knowing that I was doing that, and now so much further down the road I really cherish the memories. I’m in my sixties now and I’ve spoken with my daughter and said you know I would like that at my funeral wake that people talk about their memories of me, things which make them laugh or smile, I’ve also said that I will always be around them just in another dimension, that love is very powerful the most powerful thing in this world. So much love to you Cheryl ♥

    1. Thanks Janet, the memories always make the difference. When Jack died we his memorial was a remembrance and I asked that everyone share their funny stories. And we laughed and cried. I will honor my mother the same way. I’m in my 60’s too and have no other close family. But I will always have the love in my heart. Blessings to you Janet. XO, Cheryl

  3. Thank you for sharing.I lost my mother july 23.14.We were so close and I am finding my way but it is challenging.The photo of your mom is beautiful.She told me I needed perspective which shows hows wise she is.I wear a necklace believe which can be taken many ways.for me it is too believe I will be ok.I am a nurse and she was the easiest yet hardest person for me to take care of.She was alert but terminal and I miss her deeply everyday but we dont have a choice do me.It has slowly gotten easier but your letter triggered some feelings.One day at a time.Hugs and have some trust and faith like you said that that I will find my way.Not easy so go back to one day at a time.I sleep.with her teddy bear to feel close.

    1. Thank you Donna. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother too. We have these roles in life and they include taking care of these dear women who did the same for us when we were young. It is a privilege to be there to help them make their transition but in our souls there is a hole that will only be filled with the memories of love. May we both find our peace. Cheryl

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