I am not really sure how it is December already and where this year has gone. Time seems to slip away almost unnoticed until holiday decorations start showing up everywhere. The holiday season is difficult at best for anyone who is alone. And there seems to be a double whammy when you’re alone because you’ve lost a loved one.
Last year the only decorating I did was to put up a wreath that my friend Matt sent me. He’s been sending Jack & me wreaths for years now. I didn’t have the energy to do anything more. It was the first Christmas since Jack passed.
This year I was looking forward to that beautiful delivery and it inspired me to do more. Now my front porch is wrapped in garland and if I can find the decorations in the garage I may just add red bows to the boughs. I’m not quite ready to put up a tree and decorate it with all the ornaments Jack & I collected over the years. I’m not that strong. But this year is better than last…
Last year I disengaged from anything related to the holidays. I passed on the parties, baking and even leaving the house. This year I find myself watching the Hallmark channels for the heartwarming love stories and they just make me feel good. I am not sad because my love has passed away. I’m a romantic at heart and love to see people happy. I feel the same way when I see couples walking hand in hand. That use to be Jack & me and the thought of others knowing true love makes me smile.
Last year I couldn’t see past my grief. This year I’m seeing through my grief. My perspective now understands that the great loss I’ve have suffered could only have happened because I knew great love. I’m blessed regardless of my pain.
I’m looking back and reflecting on my life through the eyes of love not the shroud of grief. Of course I still have terribly difficult moments. They are however reminders of what I have been blessed with in my life. And even death can’t take that away from me.