How many people have told you that time heals all wounds? Or that in time you won’t cry, won’t miss him, won’t want to talk to her as much? Sometimes though in this journey of being alone you experience pain that is even worse than the day they died.
Now that I am past the “year of firsts” my life has become more routine. I’m not dealing regularly with people who are just finding out Jack died. There aren’t more forms to fill out. On a daily basis I’m not encountering new situations where I still have to reconcile his death.
Still here are moments that bring me to my knees reeling in pain and weeping uncontrollably. They come in quiet times when I sense the chasm between where I am now and where he is. I keep my favorite photo of Jack on my cell phone and usually it brings me great comfort. Other times though I see his smiling face and am overwhelmed by the pain of never being able to see him or touch him again.
There usually isn’t a big trigger to these sorrow filled moments. And that’s the reason it isn’t always easier as time goes on.
We can understand feeling our grief on holidays or at major life events when our loved one should be standing beside us. As time goes on though the pain shifts. We find ways to fill the void in our life but we can’t control the thought or the memory that is triggered by the mundane. And at times that is even harder than anything we experienced in the first year.
I’ve learned not to fight these moments.
Allowing the release of emotions keeps me from getting back up and having a major meltdown when I need it least.
Feeling every ounce of pain reminds me of my loss but it also enables me to see how far I have come since he died. I know that while I have these moments they aren’t my way of life anymore. Just occasionally.
It is in these moments that I reaffirm the depth of our love and can be grateful that we had it for however long we were together.
In the end it hasn’t been easy. We get used how hard these days though. We know we will get through the moments of unbearable pain. We know that we’ll pick ourselves up and keep on moving forward. We know that our life didn’t end when theirs did. And while we may not like living without the love of our life… we will.