What My Fear Taught Me

 I lived much of my life in fear.  Fear that I wouldn’t be able to pay the bills.  Fear that I’d be homeless.  Fear that Jack would die.  The entire time I was in this state of fear my life was far from happy.  Miserable might be the best word for it but of course I did my best to hide it.

We put on a happy face, smile though our hearts are breaking and show others we are strong even though inside we’re not.  We hide what is real in our life for… fear… we’ll be seen as weak and then something else will happen to use because we are.

What I’ve learned from my fear isn’t that if I did something more or differently that I would be happy, more secure or stronger.  Fear taught me how to live a miserable life. Seriously.  Everything I thought I could save or fix with my fear was destroyed.  Fear taught me how to live a unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unworthy life.

Fear never prevented what I feared from happening. It just kept me tied up in a mess of stress.  And there was no good quality of life in that.

Yet here I am.  I didn’t experience all my fears, except for my husband dying, and I am not better off because I allowed my fears to take over my life.

I’ve lived my worst fear and yet as I sit here, without Jack beside me anymore, I’m OK.  Some days I’m great.  Some days I’m sad.  Some days I’m excited about trying new things.  But I realize that

No amount of fear will make my life better.

I may not jump into a raging river or walk among a pit of snakes because of my fear but I’m done fearing life.

The unfortunate thing about fear is we believe it helps us to do or not do something to prevent what we are afraid of.  It takes a hindsight look to understand the effects of your fears.   Are you better off because you lived in fear or did you just live in that stress and nothing good came from it? Only you can decide that for yourself.

If however you can honestly see that fear didn’t serve you then apply that knowledge to your now.  Choose to let the fear be replaced by living in the moment.  Choose to let the fear float away when it rises up and replace it with a thought that makes you feel better.  Choose your happiness over your misery.  In that choice resides hope.

With love,

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