This has been an eye opening and challenging year for me. The first year as a widow contains everything one could expect and so much more than I was prepared for. Of course I’m not sure you can ever prepare for the rest of your life after your spouse dies.
In these last 10 months I’ll allowed myself to feel the pain, cry uncontrollably and I’ve even let myself be angry. I’ve spent more time alone than not. Some of that is out of need to grieve in peace. Some is because I’m finding my way. And some is because those who said they would be here for me are not.
I make excuses for others in my life. I know they are busy. I know they have challenges of their own. I know they just don’t know what to say so they say nothing.
Jack & I spent our lives alone, together. Not having children together. Not having family close by. We did nearly everything together and we created this life by choice. In doing so we never anticipated one of us would die young and the other would be alone. But that is my reality.
In these last few holiday weeks though I’ve had another revelation. It has occurred to me that I don’t have to be the one to force a conversation or make plans with others who don’t make the same effort. I done that for the last 10 months and all it has done is caused me more heartache, disappointment and stress. None of which I need as I’m finding my way in this new world alone.
My true, old friends, call me and plan time together. Those who I’ve met since Jack passed don’t know that other life I had so they accept me as the person I am now, windowed and living alone. As for the rest I can only wish them the best and go forward in my life without them.
I am exhausted from these last few years and devastated by Jack’s death. And there comes a time when leaving behind parts that I use to make the effort to preserve just aren’t worth it. The time is now in this new life of mine.
Are you ready to make a decision about what is best for you? Regardless of what you are going through there comes a time to put yourself first. I hope in my journey you too can find your strength.
With love, Cheryl