When All You Want Is What You Can’t Have

I started thinking today about Christmas.  It’s not been much of a tradition in our home except that it means something to my mom.  Jack & I would make a big meal for whatever family was around but it was never about the gifts for us.  Last year we were going to wait until January and get a new puppy.  Unfortunately Jack went into hospice care that month and died a month later.

This is my first year without Jack and as I was driving around today the thought that popped into my head is the only thing I want for Christmas is the one thing I can’t have. I want my life back with Jack in it.  And just as I say that this is what comes to mind:

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

As many times as I’ve read this quote I never thought of myself as someone who lived and longed for the past, until now.  But as I contemplate being in this place I also know it’s not where I want to stay.  Longing for the past means whatever happens now or in the future is lost on me.  And that doesn’t work for me either.
Nothing about this is easy.  But then I don’t recall being promised an easy life.
Where do I go from here?  I don’t know.  But I do know I have choices and when I’m ready I’ll make them.
Til then I’m going to keep it simple because I know that will served me best.

2 thoughts on “When All You Want Is What You Can’t Have

  1. This will be my third Christmas without my husband. Christmas was never his favorite holiday because he wanted to give his kids & grandkids everything they wanted and we were unable too. Plus it was his mom’s favorite holiday and she had also passed. I too want what I can’t have for Christmas, but you do have to keep moving forward. I still have that numbness in my heart and so I can’t seem to find that open door. I know that he is in a better place, but lately have been questioning if maybe I wasn’t deserving to have my husband for another 20 years. I don’t know. This grieving is a hard and long process. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.

    1. Hi Barb,
      Thank you for writing. I am sorry for your loss too. I agree with you that it takes time.
      We have to decide what we want our lives to be like going forward… not thinking about why we’re alone.
      Please don’t ever think you are not deserving. I don’t believe for a minute that I’m being punished or deserving of being alone.
      I believe that we all come to this life with a purpose and when we’ve experienced what we needed to we move on.
      I also believe that you and I have been willing participants in our husbands’ purposes as they were in ours.
      There is so much more for us. As you say we keep moving.

      Wishing you the joy you need this holiday season!

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