When All You Want Is What You Can’t Have

I started thinking today about Christmas.  It’s not been much of a tradition in our home except that it means something to my mom.  Jack & I would make a big meal for whatever family was around but it was never about the gifts for us.  Last year we were going to wait until January and get a new puppy.  Unfortunately Jack went into hospice care that month and died a month later.

This is my first year without Jack and as I was driving around today the thought that popped into my head is the only thing I want for Christmas is the one thing I can’t have. I want my life back with Jack in it.  And just as I say that this is what comes to mind:

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

As many times as I’ve read this quote I never thought of myself as someone who lived and longed for the past, until now.  But as I contemplate being in this place I also know it’s not where I want to stay.  Longing for the past means whatever happens now or in the future is lost on me.  And that doesn’t work for me either.
Nothing about this is easy.  But then I don’t recall being promised an easy life.
Where do I go from here?  I don’t know.  But I do know I have choices and when I’m ready I’ll make them.
Til then I’m going to keep it simple because I know that will served me best.
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