It’s Really Not About You

It’s really not about you by SIMPLE STEPS

Is your daughter dating the guy you told her to stay away from just to spite you?  Did someone you’ve been working with make a decision that didn’t include you and you think that they did so to cut you out?  Have your relatives not called you lately and you think that it’s because they are mad at you?  Do you think that others are doing or not doing something to you? 

Do you make all your decisions based on another… or do you do what makes sense to you? Usually we do the latter.  Now ask youself this question… What makes you think that others are any different?  It is not all about you…  In fact it probably has nothing to do with you at all.

We allow our minds to think the worst of other’s motives.   It’s as if someone is doing something to hurt you when in reality they are doing what they think is best for them.  Hurting you doesn’t even cross their mind… it’s about them. Sure there are exceptions… but they are less frequent than you imagine.

If rather than thinking that it’s about you… you acknowledged that you don’t know what is going on in their lives… you wouldn’t allow yourself to feel hurt over their choices.  How many times have you encountered someone who was hurt by you in some way when what they are alleging caused them hurt never even entered your mind?  We don’t walk in each other’s shoes. 

If you find yourself asking, “Why are they doing this to me?”  Try these Simple Steps to shift your perspective:

  • If it is someone close to you then try Kenny Brixey’s method for clarification.  He restates what he thinks they have said with, “I think you mean____________________.”  That creates an opportunity for the other person to clarify what they are doing so that you both are on the same page.  It doesn’t mean that you have to like or approve of their choice.  This helps you understand their thought process.
  • If there is distance between you pick up the phone and call them, skype or go visit.  Obtaining clarification person to person rather than e-mail, text or chat is always a much better way to understand.  We tend to fill in the blanks of written communication… and not with accurate information.
  • If you don’t know this person well or it is a less personal relationship take a few moments to step back from your initial reaction.  Consider all of the other possibilities why someone would do what they have chosen to do.  You can write out a list or do it in your head.  Don’t stop until you have considered every other possibility.  While you may not know what the real motivation is you have shown yourself that there are other options… and your initial thoughts may be far from the truth.  

When we stop thinking that everything that everyone else does involves us… we let go of stress, pain and tension that never existed in the first place.  And that frees us up to actually enjoy life!

3 thoughts on “It’s Really Not About You

  1. This is wonderful information Cheryl, we can't assume anything I have been so wrong so many times when assuming I know what's going on. Talking to each other is the very best way to find out how each of you are feeling. Maybe they did intend to hurt you by what they did or what they said you won't know until you talk to each other, if they intended to hurt you why did they intend to hurt you, ask the question it my open a new world of communication between the two of you. This is my prayer for my mother and I…. thank you for reminding me, I love you…. <3

  2. Nonny, What a wonderful perspective! You are so right! We don't know what each other is going through… and those with strangers is an absolute unknown. Thanks for adding your thoughts because I know so many people will relate to you!
    With love, Cheryl

  3. I am often told "Stop making excuses for him/her"! But it works for me: If someone acts grumpy or snaps at me, I often think it's because something happened to them that morning to make them sad or testy, and I just choose to cut them some slack. Every "slight" doesn't have to be returned in kind… are right! It's not about ME!!
    When I was trying to find a parking place at the hospital and was slowly looking for one (in the middle of the road, LOL), a woman leaned hard on her horn, screeched around me and shook her fist at me. That became one of my biggest life lessons: 1. She didn't know why I was visiting the hospital. 2. What if my family member was deathly ill? 3. What if he/she was dying, or had died?…..she had no clue what I might have been going through, so her reaction was incredibly unkind!
    But neither did I know why she was behaving in this way: She was, obviously unhappy with me, but maybe she was desperately trying to reach someone in crisis….
    We can't assume anything. We just don't know what's happening in the lives of strangers. So it's better, I believe, to cut them some slack….You are right: "It's NOT about me!!"

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